THE NARROW ROAD
It is Sunday before the election. Two days. The ground is electric and it is hard to place both of my feet on the ground. Red and Blue are in a frenzy, hate is swirling in the air and I am trying not to breathe in any of the darkness… but it is black and thick and I am choking for clarity.
I have always been an outsider. Violent upbringing, cops at my house constantly, trying to keep my mother from not being beat to death, married at 15, daughter at 16, divorced at 22, drunk at 28, crazy at 30, grandmother at 32, just to name a few in my life. I have been sexually abused, raped, bones broken, and threatened with death. I am a difficult woman as I have been unfolding who I am. I was never made to go along to get along and as much as I tried, I lied just as much.
For most of my life I have tried to figure out where I belong. I tried my hand with the sober community, the music community, the marriage community, and the spiritual community. But over time I would leave or get kicked away because I was not in alignment with the group’s guidelines. And through the process of leaving I was shunned.
When Covid came I was ousted from all communities because I did not take the vaccine. I was ousted from almost everyone I knew except for about 5 people. It was as if I was taken to a different planet and dropped off. I could no longer speak the language. I still can’t seem to speak the language with the majority of people.
With two days left before the election I can see another split has happened in my “so called”reality. Politics has become another division splitting into red and blue. Nomads splitting into separated groups and friends seeing something I cannot see. It is not that I refuse to see it. But rather my reality isn’t showing me that channel. I can hear what the other is saying yet it doesn’t resonate in my body. I am realizing that reality is no longer a collective consciousness but a psychosis of will. This is what happens when people lie. It creates psychosis and if done on a large scale like what is happening now it creates a population psychosis.
If I step one-step closer to what is going on I can see that possibly that psychosis is happening within me. If I am the dreamer then why am I dreaming this continuous splitting of the road of reality?
After meditation tonight this came to me. Does the road get smaller as we move on down it? The saying is that the road gets narrower as we age, but possibly it is because it continues to spilt over and over again as we wave frantically goodbye to those who step off.
My grandmother quit drinking when she was 68. I will be 68 in April. Could it be that she quit drinking because there really was no one left to drink with? I don’t know but it has got me thinking about the process of aging. For some reason I thought it would be like my 30s with all of my friends but we would all be older. But now I am thinking it might just be me with me.
I have been on the hunt for a new community these past two years while I travel all over the United States seeing the most incredible sites and having mind blowing experiences, mostly alone. But I am finding I really don’t fit in anywhere. I can’t seem to go along to get along so I go alone. I can’t seem to buy into someone else’s narrative so I have been creating my own. I can’t seem to get to a place where I can lie about what I can’t see and be ok with it so I speak up about what I do see which acts as if I am dropping bombs into the consciousness of others.
So possibly, with age, the road is suppose to get narrow, pulling me away from the collective. I have learned “aloneness” is not only my great sanctuary but has brought me to my knees with childlike wonder in the lands I have experienced. Where wisdom in the sense of self is born.
Life truly is an individual experience. I can hear myself within saying to stop looking outside of myself for others. Be ok with the road narrowing. Be present. Look around at where you are. This is Heaven on Earth. And in these travels the community is riding within you. It is all happening within you. Trust the process of aging, trust the process of others leaving you. Trust the process of experiencing life… alone.